PROBLEM SOLVED.......

There we are, doesn't my new fireplace look grand? O.K. soot everywhere!! And I have burned a large hole in the carpet, when the sticks decided to spit forth all manner of sparks!!

What the hell is everyone moaning about? OPEN UP YOUR FIREPLACES NOW!

There's loads of rubbish to burn - the council refuse to collect the garbage thrown out on the street - now, where did I hide that large axe?

I have turned off all my heating - I have disconnected my electric cooker.

From now on I shall keep very warm and do all my cooking on a lovely open fire.

To hell with the foreign profiteering energy companies.

To hell with Dictator Useless Brown.

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