Torment of Madeleine drove me to the brink of suicide, admits Kate McCann

KATE McCann told yesterday how the torment of her daughter’s disappearance drove her to the brink of suicide.

Kate McCann has described the crucifying anguish she has endured since Madeleine vanished Kate McCann has described the “crucifying anguish” she has endured since Madeleine vanished

Kate McCann revealed for the first time the “crucifying anguish” she has endured since Madeleine vanished four years ago.

And the 43-year-old GP explained how her despair had threatened to destroy her marriage.

Kate, who is haunted by guilt and visions of her daughter being abused by a pervert, spoke of her fears that husband Gerry had stopped loving her.

And she revealed how, in anger, she slept in another bedroom the night before Madeleine went missing because Gerry had “abruptly” left dinner without her.

The darkest days for Kate came immediately after Madeleine, a few days before her fourth birthday, went missing from the family’s holiday apartment in Praia da Luz, Portugal, on May 3, 2007.

In a deeply personal account, Kate wrote: “I had an overwhelming urge to swim out across the ocean, as hard and as fast as I could; to swim and swim and swim until I was so far out and so exhausted I could just allow the water to pull me under and relieve me of this torment.

Crucifying anguish

Kate McCann

“I wasn’t keeping that desire to myself, either. I was shouting it out to anyone who happened to be in the room.

“Somehow, inflicting physical pain on myself seemed to be the only possible way of escaping my internal pain.

“The other truly awful manifestation of what I was feeling was a macabre slide show of vivid pictures in my brain that taunted me relentlessly. I was crying out that I could see Madeleine lying, cold and mottled, on a big grey stone slab.”

Kate told how she was swamped with dark thoughts, breaking down in front of relatives who had flown to the Algarve to comfort her.

At the time, critics accused Kate of being “cold and emotionless”.

Kate blamed shock for her “detached appearance” and says the criticisms left her with a legacy of “crippling self-consciousness”.

She could not face going to the supermarket for a year after Madeleine disappeared.

Kate, who has six-year-old twins Sean and Amelie, wrote: “Wednesday, May 2 was our last completely happy day. Our last, to date, as a family of five.”

The couple, from Rothley, Leicestershire, enjoyed their first “fun” night out shortly before Christmas last year. It came at a local golf society dinner where the couple felt “safe” among friends.

Heart consultant Gerry, 42, said: “We weren’t sitting together and I was watching Kate and realised I hadn’t seen her smile as much in the past three-and-a-half years. That made me really happy.”

Kate told how constant thoughts of Madeleine’s suffering and fear meant she was unable to enjoy watching television, read a book or listen to music.

She wrote: “How could I possibly take pleasure in anything without my daughter.”

Her obsessive thoughts threatened to wreck her marriage – as she regarded Gerry’s ability to switch off as “callous”.

Gerry, in turn, became “exasperated” by his wife’s unending sorrow, feeling he had lost her forever.

Kate wrote: “Gerry was functioning much sooner than I was. I sometimes found it almost offensive as if somehow he wasn’t grieving enough. He would suggest doing something nice – and I would cry.”

She told about the “isolated” incident on their final night together. She described how she felt “offended” when Gerry got up from dinner, announced he was tired and marched off to bed.

She was “miffed by his lack of social graces” and decided to sleep in the spare room with Madeleine and the twins.

The revelations come in Kate’s 384-page book, entitled Madeleine.

Kate is hoping the memoir will reignite the search for her daughter. The book goes on sale on Thursday – Madeleine’s eighth birthday – and orders have already placed it at the top of online retailer Amazon’s chart.

Yesterday Kate, a devout Roman Catholic, attended a church service with Amelie.

One local said: “Prayers were said for Madeleine and other missing children.”

Comments Unavailable

Sorry, we are unable to accept comments about this article at the moment. However, you will find some great articles which you can comment on right now in our Comment section.

Would you like to receive news notifications from Daily Express?