Watch for the warning signs to beat bullies

Despite my skills as a psychologist and a solutions coach I felt powerless to help, partly because the bullies in question were incredibly sneaky.

They made sure no teachers were about when they picked on my daughter.

When the school asked us to describe in detail what was happening, individual incidents sounded like nothing to complain about. Being teased about pretending to be ill when taking her asthma inhaler seemed trivial.

But because it was happening daily over a prolonged period, along with other remarks about her dyslexia, it was unbearable.

So why can the bullies get away with such behaviour? Part of the problem is that many teachers feel overwhelmed

by the policies in some schools, where even the smallest incident must be examined.

Another issue is that there are too few adults on playground duty to supervise children adequately at break.

Also, some view little skirmishes as a part of school life; occasionally children snipe at each other or don’t want to play together nicely.

That’s all well and good – but what if it happens over days and weeks? Isn’t that too much for a child to contend with?

Why shouldn’t children be reminded to “play happily” rather than having derisory remarks ignored?

Every time a child is reprimanded for an unkind remark, even if it is the only time they have uttered such a slur, it’s worth it to ensure they think twice about saying horrible things again. Children need to learn to cope with bullies – but they also need to see that bullying behaviour won’t be tolerated. We would have fewer adult office-bullies if this attitude was learned at a young age.

It is important that bullying is not confused with “rough and tumble” play. This is mixing two very different issues. Children should be allowed to play active games and compete in sporting events.

I’m all for climbing trees, playing conkers, and all the things that health and safety “dictators” discourage.

Those activities are very different from a bigger child repeatedly mocking a younger child or homing in on another’s vulnerability by calling them names or taunting them. That’s not fair and is completely different to energetic play.

It’s hard to know where we should draw the line through the grey area of what might or might not be bullying.

I would advise erring on the side of caution and never be tempted to downgrade our expectations to the bullies’ level.

Instead we should expect them to raise theirs to our level – that peers be treated with basic respect.

Children need to learn that if they don’t like someone – and it would be ridiculous to expect that every child is going to like every other child – then ignore them, rather than taunting or humiliating them. If you fear your child is experiencing bullying, here are signs to watch for.

Have they become withdrawn or do they try to avoid going to school? Do they have unexplained cuts and bruises or damaged clothing? Do they seem to “lose” pocket money or items of value such as a watch or trainers? Are they acting generally sad or have they become aggressive to their siblings?

Any of these can point to bullying.

There are some things you can do to help. In a supportive manner ask how things are at school. They may be unwilling to speak up so keep the conversation open-ended and ask about their friends.

Then move on to ask if there’s anyone they’re not getting along with.

If they are being bullied then devise a plan of action with them.

First bolster them emotionally by discussing why bullies behave the way they do. Maybe the bully is envious or has an unhappy home.

Place the bully firmly as the problem and continually reiterate that bullying is absolutely unacceptable.

Explore how they would like to approach it. Offer to help them develop their assertiveness skills or to talk to their school. Check out websites like www.antibullying.net and www. beatbullying.org

Ultimately, the best thing you can do to protect your child is to support them through such difficulties. Eventually it will help them become stronger individuals who are able stick up for and assert themselves over the bullying behaviour of others.

It can be a tough road to negotiate but it’s worth every step.