I'M SO SICK OF HEALTH POLICE

First of all, we had a study claiming the country is in the grip of an “epidemic of middle-class drinking”. Apparently, a quarter of adults in Britain’s more prosperous areas are drinking at “hazardous” levels. On examination, this turns out to mean “more than half a bottle of wine a day”. I put more than that on my cornflakes.

In no time at all Nanny Primarolo, the Public Health Minister, was out of her box wagging her finger at us. If anything is guaranteed to drive me to drink, that vacuous busybody will. It is true, I used to have a drink problem but now I can afford it.

Within 24 hours, yet another health-scare report was making headlines: “Being fat can knock 13 years off your life”. Forsooth, it is even more dangerous than smoking. Aagh! Time to stop eating food and start chewing tobacco.
Still, it did give Primaroly-poly another opportunity to make our excess flesh creep. She squeaked that she is going to address the problem “at every level and every part of society”.

I think I can help. First, if we want fat people (“circumferentially-challenged”, in PC language) to understand the problem, we need a simple scale like the Richter for measuring earthquakes. I suggest calling it the Prescott Scale. “Two pies” Prescott is a tremendous role model. As Deputy Prime Minister he was so concerned about his weight he tried to engage in a vigorous bout of horizontal jogging whenever he was in the office.

Next, after the brilliant success of Home Information Packs, we should require everyone to compile a Health Information Pack. From the details revealed by these packs, the Government can set individual performance targets for weight reduction, with a new body of inspectors and enforcement officers to ensure compliance. CCTV cameras will shortly cover the entire country, so the new inspectors will be able to spot fat people as soon as they emerge and slap a ticket on them, just like traffic wardens.

These HIP Inspectors (Hippies for short) will carry measuring tapes to check for breaches of the new Waist Disposal Regulations. Persistent offenders will be prosecuted and sentenced to periods of compulsory exercise on a treadmill. This will also help the Government meet its renewable energy target under the Kyoto protocols, as the treadmills can generate electricity and be connected to the national grid. Inspectors will also be equipped with breath­alysers to flush out those exceeding the three-glasses of alcohol limit for pedestrians. In addition, gas analysis machines will be provided to ensure that the new Open Air Passive Smoking Prevention Regulations are observed.
While smoking at home will be permitted for the time being, it is unacceptable that smokers should be able to exhale out of doors unless wearing an air-purifying gas mask.

Many other useful suggestions come to mind. If obesity is more dangerous than smoking, clearly we should
put health warnings on all food packaging, saying: “Eating can kill you.”

In fact, we must go further. Stress levels can also be raised by worrying about health risks the Government warns us against. So all health warnings ought themselves to carry health warnings like: “Worrying about warnings that eating can kill you can kill you too.”

This is not the end, unfortunately. This may sound like fantasy now but remember – you read it here first.