KEEP WOLF-WHISTLING WHILE YOU WORK MR BUILDER

Not thatching, nor wattle-and-daubing, nor even gargoyle carving – but the traditional and very specialised business of wolf-whistling, that ear-splitting siren of male approval which once echoed through the land.

There is a serious skills shortage in the construction industry, so understandably it is constantly urging young
people to take up the trowel or get into woodwork, plastering, roofing, heavy machinery or even demolition. It’s at once apparent that the lupine serenade is not on the to-do list.

It’s a shame, a disgrace. The wolf whistle is a fine old tradition, part of the ongoing male-female banter which can be at times infuriating and at times make you feel good to be alive. He whistles. You mince past. And so it goes.

Do the venerable trade guilds of the City of London include The Worshipful Company of Wolf Whistlers? If not, where will they find support in a hostile environment which now believes the wolf whistle is as welcome as dry rot?

The latest broadside comes from well-known building firm George Wimpey. It set up operations in 1880 with a stone- working business in London.

In the Twenties it got into housebuilding and was ready and waiting to address the housing shortage after the Second World War. When in the Seventies high-rise flats became unacceptable, Wimpey went low-rise. It has always moved with the times.

Now, though, things have gone too far. Wimpey’s sales and marketing director Richard Goad has e-mailed staff in the Bristol office telling them that they must no longer wolf-whistle on site.

“In the 21st century,” says Mr Goad importantly, “the wolf whistle is out of place.”

This is ridiculous. Out of place? How depressing. Does Mr Goad have any idea how difficult it is to achieve the perfect wolf whistle with exactly the right cadence and of sufficient volume? A weak wolf whistle is as unpleasing and effete as a piece of ill-assembled flat-pack furniture; a dreary monotone without either wit or inflection is as unsatisfactory as an unwiped joint.

Wolf whistlers seem to be divided between the fingerless and finger method. At what point do you inhale or exhale? What to do if you only succeed in making a sound as though you’re letting air out of a tyre?

Some people can never do it. Others succeed through years of practice. One thing’s for sure: when Lauren Bacall told Humphrey Bogart, “You just put your lips together and blow”, she didn’t know what she was talking about.

But why is the wolf whistle condemned? There was a moment when feminists found it offensive because it was something big hairy men did. Women felt they were being treated as objects; though it has to be said that, as the years go by, there’s something very agreeable about being treated as an object from time to time.

And where’s the harm? The whistlers are safely stowed on the scaffolding or behind one of those Keep Out construction fences. They’re not going to follow you up a dark alley, are they? Better a gander than a goose, you might say.

Anyway, it’s fair dos. An interesting development in our cities has been the practice of installing little windows so that members of the public can peer into construction sites. We can watch them with impunity. The ladies in that Diet Coke ad ogled the hunky builder, so why can’t we return the favour and be ogled by them?

Further investigation suggests Mr Goad isn’t necessarily a card-carrying feminist. His reasons for the ban are perhaps commercial, reflecting today’s harsh economic realities.

His e-mail continues: “Our buyers know what they want and the general feeling is that women won’t stand for being whistled at by builders… it causes unnecessary tension on what should be an enjoyable search for a new home.”

Now these days it seems building companies will pay your stamp duty, most of your mortgage for two years, sell your old property and move all your belongings for 50p. They’ll do almost anything and if that includes banning a master whistler from pursuing his proud calling, then so be it. It cuts both ways, though.

A single professional woman could feel crushed if she was greeted by an eerie silence as she picked her way through the mud and concrete mixers to look at a nice new buy-to-let. Where’s the fun without those merry calls of “You don’t get many of them to the pound” and “Give us a kiss, darling”?

More importantly there are now 200,000 women working in the construction industry and a ban on wolf-whistling at this stage could be construed as blatant discrimination.

The sad truth is that many women find it very hard to wolf- whistle. But just because it’s difficult, why should women not be allowed to try, especially now they’re allowed on the front line? There are plenty of fit men out there who deserve a whistle, especially in the summer months. And anyone who has ever seen a woman stop a taxi with a full-on blast using thumb and middle-finger in the approved U-shape will know how devastatingly impressive this can be.

So, Mr Goad, please reconsider. You want to sell your homes but the women of Britain need cheering up, especially if there’s a downturn in the housing market. So as that bloke said to me the other day (and it made my day, I can tell you): “Give us a smile, love.”

In other words, lighten up.